Thursday - October 09, 2008

A general sense of unease

That's the best way I can think to describe myself right now. I can't really put my finger on any one thing, really. There's nothing wholly, or even mostly, making me feel like this... but there it is, none the less. Apparently, some of my friends have been wondering about this lately, and why I've been acting like a jerk. This may explain it.

It doesn't excuse it, though - there's no excuse for being a jerk to those who love you most - and for that I apologize.

That said, allow me to explain as best as I can how I've been feeling lately.

There's been a lot going on lately, and those who know me know that I don't function well on a full schedule. I get overwhelmed when there are a million different things going on, and that's the stage on which I'm currently playing. My nephew is getting baptized soon, and Meg and I are the Godparents. That in-and-of itself isn't really stressful, but between family, scheduling, and the church, it's doing a wonderful job of aggravating me. Arica's wedding is looming on the horizon on the 25th, and being in the wedding party, I need to worry about that and Trevor's bachelor party, and anything else anyone needs me for. The apartment is - perpetually so - a mess that we never seem to get cleaned up totally, so free time is devoted to at least making an attempt at that. There's never enough clean laundry, and never enough groceries, so more time needs to be made to get out and do those things.

Then, add in friends. I love my friends. I truly do. They're my support structure. I don't want to make it sound like my friends are in any way wrong for what I'm about to say, because they aren't. Nobody has made demands of me. Nobody has said anything out of sorts, or anything really out of the ordinary... but with my busy schedule right now, I really don't have time to hang out too much. I'd love to, really. But please, please, please don't take it personally if I don't see you for a week and a half. It's not that I've stopped loving you. I'm not avoiding you. But making me feel as such, even in jest, does not reduce my stress levels, nor does it solve any problem that can be solved. I will make time for you when I can. Please do not take it personally if I cannot.

There are other factors as well... more personal than I want to get into on my blog for the world to see; those of you who know me know what's going on. But suffice to say, the above listed issues are only about half of what's going on right now. Add in the failing economy, the difficulty of doing business, and the stress of being the provider for the house on top of all of that, combined with a healthy (unhealthy?) mix of seasonal allergies / sinus problems, and you've got a recipe for me being a real bastard sometimes.

Again, I'm sorry.